Wednesday, November 14, 2007

20 lbs in 20 seconds!

No, it's not a miracle diet. Allow me to explain.

I have been dressing myself for close to 30 years now. I watch a lot of What Not To Wear. I like to think I dress fairly well, and I try to stay away from trends that will not work with my body shape. So why dear readers, hast my knitting forsaken me?

I put a lot of thought into choosing this pattern. I thought it would be flattering. Unlike many women, I am not pear-shaped. Quite the opposite. All of my weight is in the top. I'm upside-down pear shaped...unh...Ice cream cone shaped. I know this and I try to work with it. I was sure that the ribbed upper portion would hug the curves I like (*cough* chest) and the cabled bottom portion would round out my less than ample hips and bum.
I was SO. WRONG.


I put this on and my self esteem packs it's bags and runs out the door. I look like a big woolly sausage! A sausage with a uni-boob! Why am I posting such a terribly unflattering picture of myself on the Internet? (That's the job of my family and friends!) Because I'm shocked and amazed at how the wrong piece of knitwear can add 20lbs to your frame in 20 secs. This is what I look like under the offending wool monster:

I'm no waif, but certainly much better, no? Although, I swear I usually wear pants. (I don't consider leggings pants, contrary to what a lot of women on the street are wearing these days.)

The Drops Cable and Rib dress is destined for frogsville. What have I learned? Considering I'm thinking of casting on a new Twinkle design: absolutely nothing. The Shopping Tunic I've been hoping to knit for ages breaks all of the What Not to Wear rules for girls shaped like me:

High neck? Not for those with larger chests. Bulky knits? Only for the slight of frame. Horizontal stripes? Okay, I'd be knitting the solid version, but everybody knows the dangers of stripes, right? I just have a bad habit of falling in love with the style of something and ignoring how it may fit me. Considering the yarn was free and it's a quick knit, I might just cast it on anyway. (I'm either terribly stubborn or a terribly stupid). Stop laughing and wish me luck I won't have to post about the sausage's second coming!


amy [Knitty] said...

what happens if you wear it as a skirt? maybe better, because the added fluff at the bottom could balance your bodaciousness at the top?

conjecture on my part -- but if you try it, let me know!

worst case, stuff it and it's a really comfy couch/body pillow.

Macoco said...

Oh no, that is pretty tragic. All of that work! I hope the tunic is more flattering.

ingrid said...

Aw, I'm so sorry your jumper turned you into a woolly monster! I don't consider myself a waif, but my cabled jumper turned out great! It's my favourite knit.

I was REALLY hoping we'd have matching jumpers. Aw.

Christie said...

I thought for sure it would be super cute on you. What a bummer!

firefly said...

ok, i've stopped laughing. but when you put words like sausage and uniboob together, what else am i supposed to do?

that tunic looks rad. good luck!!

fibersnob said...

Oh my.

Reckless Glue said...

hmmm I think maybe I never hit send on my response to this. Anyway I actually think it looks good and you're being too hard on yourself-- I don't know how you can bear to frog it!
I've also decided that if you have boobs, as we both do, chunky or cabled "hand" knitwear doesn't work. Not for me anyway. Even ribbed things are bad on me.

Elin said...

I just have to say that I also don't understand why so many people have decided that leggings count as pants. It's so wrong (especially when you're walking behind them and they're not waifs, which, let's face it, most of us aren't!)